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According to recent statistics, it is extremely likely
that you or someone you know have experienced violence in a dating relationship.
Dating violence can take many forms, including psychological and emotional
abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse. It can occur in the context of
casual dating or serious long-term relationships.
Psychological and Emotional Abuse
If a boyfriend or girlfriend humiliates, insults, or swears at you, you
are experiencing psychological and emotional abuse. Other examples include:
attempting to control a boyfriend or girlfriend's activities, trying to
destroy his or her self-confidence and self-esteem, and isolating the
person from other friends and family. Threats of violence are also abusive
and should always be taken seriously.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse includes such things as: hitting, slapping, punching, shoving,
kicking, biting, and hair-pulling. It also includes the use of a weapon,
such as a club, knife, or gun, against a boyfriend or girlfriend.
Both teenage boys and teenage girls report being victims of physical
violence in relationships. Typically, however, teenage boys and teenage
girls use physical force for different reasons and with different results.
While both tend to report acting violently because they were angry, teenage
boys are much more likely to use force in order to control their girlfriends,
while girls more often act violently in self-defense.
Teenage girls suffer more from relationship violence, emotionally and
physically. They are much more likely than teenage boys to have serious
injuries and to report being terrified. In contrast, male victims seldom
seem to fear violence by their dates or girlfriends, often saying that
the attacks did not hurt and that they found the violence amusing.
Sexual Abuse
The term, sexual abuse, refers to forced or unwanted sexual activity or
rape. It is also considered sexual abuse to coerce or pressure someone
to engage in sexual activity or try to engage in sexual activity with
someone who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Teenage girls in heterosexual relationships are much more likely than
teenage boys to suffer from sexual abuse.
How frequently does dating violence occur?
It is difficult to say because different studies and surveys ask about
it in different ways and get very different results. Some studies only
ask about physical abuse, while others include questions about psychological
and emotional abuse and sexual violence. Past estimates of dating violence
among middle school and high school students range from 28% to 96%.
One recent national survey found that 1 in 11 high-school students said
they had been hit, slapped, or physically hurt on purpose by their boyfriend
or girlfriend in the past year. 1 in 11 students also reported that they
had been forced to have sexual intercourse when they did not want to.
Far greater numbers of teens (as high as 96%) report emotional and psychological
abuse in their dating relationships.
What You Can Do
1. Know the early warning signs that you're in a dating situation
or relationship that could have the potential to become violent.
- Your boyfriend or girlfriend pressures you, soon after you begin dating,
to make the relationship very serious, or presses you to have sex.
- Your boyfriend or girlfriend becomes extremely jealous and possessive,
and thinks these destructive displays of emotion are signs of love.
- Your boyfriend or girlfriend tries to control you and to forcefully
make all decisions where the two of you are concerned, refusing to take
your views or desires seriously. He/she may also try to keep you from
spending time with close friends or family.
- Your boyfriend or girlfriend verbally and emotionally abuses you by
doing such things as yelling at you, swearing at you, manipulating you,
spreading false and degrading rumors about you, and trying to make you
feel guilty.
- Your boyfriend or girlfriend drinks too much or uses drugs and then
later blames the alcohol and drugs for his/her behavior.
- Your boyfriend or girlfriend threatens physical violence.
- Your boyfriend or girlfriend has abused a previous boyfriend or girlfriend
or accepts and defends the use of violence by others.
If you're in a dating relationship that in any way feels uncomfortable,
awkward, tense or even frightening, trust your feelings and get out of
it. It could become, or may already be, abusive.
Always remember: You have every right to say no. No boyfriend or girlfriend
has the right to tell ou what you can or should do, what you can or should
wear, or what kind of friends you should have.
2. If you are in a violent, or potentially violent, relationship,
take the following steps:
- Make a safety plan and get help. Talk with someone you trust-a teacher,
a guidance counselor, a doctor, a friend or parent. You may also want
tocontact the police or a local domestic violence center or call the
National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE.
- If you want to stay in the relationship, realize that the violence
will not just stop or go away. You cannot change your boyfriend or girlfriend's
behavior by changing your behavior, nor are you in any way responsible
for the abuse. Your boyfriend or girlfriend may need counseling or other
outside help to change and you may need support so that you can begin
to heal.
3. Be on the lookout for friends that may be in violent dating
situations or relationships.
Do any of your friends' relationships show the warning signs listed above?
Do your friends show signs that they have been physically abused or injured
in some way?
Friends in abusive relationships may also:
- Change their style of clothing or makeup;
- Seem to lose confidence in themselves and begin to have difficulty
making decisions;
- Stop spending time with you and other friends;
- Begin to receive failing grades or quit school activities; and
- Turn to using alcohol or drugs.
If you suspect a friend is in a violent relationship, you might try to
find out for sure by saying something like, "You don't seem as happy
as usual" or asking in general terms, "Is there anything you
want to talk about?" This non-confrontational and indirect approach
may prompt your friend to reveal what's wrong. Listen without judging,
condemning, or giving unwanted advice. If a friend wants help, suggest
that he or she take the steps listed above in order to be safe and find
help.
If you believe your friend is in serious danger, talk with an adult you
trust immediately about your friend's situation so that you aren't carrying
the burden by yourself. Do not try to "rescue" your friend or
be a hero and try to handle the situation on your own.
4. Take action if you suspect that someone you know is being
abusive.
If you feel you are not in danger, talk to the person about his or her
use of violence, and make sure that the person understands that it is
both wrong and illegal. If the person is ready to make a change, help
him or her to get help.
5. If you are hurting someone else, have the courage to get help!
No matter what the other person does to provoke you, no matter how justified
you feel, no matter what your friends do, it is never okay to harm someone
else. Remember that physical and sexual violence are illegal and can land
you in jail.
You can learn new ways to deal with your anger, to fight fair, to communicate,
and to give and get love in relationships. Don't let shame or fear stop
you-talk to a parent, a teacher, a religious leader, a doctor, a nurse,
or a guidance counselor immediately. You also can call the National Domestic
Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE, and they can direct you to individuals
and groups in your community who can help you to make a change.
6. Work to educate other teens about dating violence.
Counsel peers, staff a hotline, or speak to classes about the signs of
an abusive relationship and where to find help. Encourage your church
or school to develop programs to educate teens about dating violence,
and work to ensure that there are resources for teens that are being abused
in your community.
Fact Sheet on Dating Violence-National Center
for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/factsheets/datviol.htm
This fact sheet provides an overview of the problem of dating violence
and provides information about factors that put victims and offenders
at risk for violence.
Fact Sheet on Intimate Partner Violence-National
Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control
and Prevention
http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/factsheets/ipvfacts.htm
This fact sheet provides an overview of the problem of intimate partner
violence and its health effects. It provides information about factors
that put victims and offenders at risk for violence and describes prevention
and intervention strategies.
Violence Against Women Office Website - U.S.
Department of Justice
http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/vawo
The Department of Justice, through its Violence Against Women Office,
provides an overview of the problem on a national scale, and also provides
information about state-by-state activities and resources.
Intimate Partner Violence - U.S. Department of
Justice, May, 2000
http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/abstract/ipv.htm
This document provides statistical information on violence by intimates
(current or former spouses, girlfriends, or boyfriends) from the National
Crime Victimization Survey (NCVS).
References
- O'Keefe M. & Treister, L. (1998). Victims of dating violence
among high school students. Violence Against Women, 4, 193-228.
- Molidor C. & Tolman, R.M. (1998). Gender and contextual factors
in adolescent dating violence. Violence Against Women, 4, 180-194.
- O'Keefe, M. (1997). Predictors of dating violence among high school
students. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 12(4), 546-569.
- Foshee, V.A. (1998). Gender differences in adolescent dating abuse
prevalence, types and injuries. Health Education Research, 11, 275-286.
- Molidor C. & Tolman, R.M. (1998). Gender and contextual factors
in adolescent dating violence. Violence Against Women, 4, 180-194.
- Jezl, D. R., Molidor, C.E., & Wright, T.L. (1996). Physical, sexual,
and psychological abuse in high school dating relationships: Prevalence
rates and self-esteem issues. Child and Adolescent Social Work Journal,
13(1), 69-87.
- Kaiser Family Foundation & YM Magazine (1998). National Survey
of Teens: Teens Talk about Dating, Intimacy, and Their Sexual Experiences.
Part 3. Menlo Park, CA: The Foundation.
- Jonson-Reid, M. & Bivens, L. (1999). Foster youth and dating violence.
Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 14(2), 1249-1262.
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Youth risk behavior surveillance
- United States, 1999. In: CDC Surveillance Summaries, June 9, 2000.
MMWR 2000;49(No. SS-5), p.8
- Jezl, D. R., Molidor, C.E., & Wright, T.L. (1996). Physical, sexual,
and psychological abuse in high school dating relationships: Prevalence
rates and self-esteem issues. Child and Adolescent Social Work Journal,
13(1), 69-87.
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