Q & A Archives

May 2007

Dr. Nina,

This girl I met at school quickly became friends after we met. We started hanging out every day, calling each other a lot and just generally becoming great friends. After about a year and a half, I began realizing I was getting jealous of her boyfriends and constant complaining about them and I realized I liked her. One evening she told me she had broken up with her boyfriend of 6 months. This is where it gets complicated, her boyfriend started off as her best friend and they gradually moved into a relationship. I told her straight-up that I had feelings for her and that I'd like to try something more intimate and she said that although I'm an amazing guy but what she's looking for right now is a friend.  My question is, if she's had a relationship before with a close friend, and that I'm such an amazing guy, why won't she consider it now?

Chase

Chase,

I am impressed you made the effort to be open about your feelings and taking your relationship further. If she really wanted something more then a friendship from you, then I think she would have hinted around to it, especially after you suggested it.
She may not want to "try again" with another close guy friend. The bottom line is that you like her more then a friend, which means continuing to be just "her friend" may be too difficult for you. I would suggest you distance yourself from her. If she asks "why" then you can tell her the truth.
Honestly, this is often when you will truly know how she feels about you. She may not even realize how much she misses you until you are not there anymore, then she may rethink being just your friend.

Dr. Nina

March 2007

Dr. Nina,

My ex girlfriend is giving me mixed signals.  One night we were hanging out as "just friends" and she starts kissing me.  I responded because I never wanted to break up with her.  I left thinking we were getting back together and she called the next day to say we weren't.  She's been seeing this other guy a lot but still calls me when she's lonely.  There are times I know she misses me because she tells me and now it seems she wants to be more then friends but she tells me otherwise.  I am so confused and don't know how to handle this anymore....

Robert

Robert,

I am so sorry to hear about your current confusing relationship.  I think you deserve more then what you are receiving.  Whether she's a friend or a girlfriend, she is not respecting your feelings.  She's confused on what she truly wants and she is pulling you into her drama. This is so unfair to you.   Since you do obviously have feelings for her, I would keep your distance from her.  Don't engage in any type of relationship with her right now.  There are too many emotions you are experiencing and I think she will just continue to hurt you and give you false hope.   You deserve to be treated with love and respect with whomever you date or spend your time with.   Start spending more time with your friends and limit your contact with her.  I know it won't be easy but I promise, it will be so much better for you emotionally and spiritually to keep your distance from her. 

Dr. Nina

February 2007

Dr. Nina,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we are planning to get married but I am worried because he seems to have an addiction to his prescription pills.  He’s had this problem for awhile and I just wonder if things will change once we are married.

Chrissy

Chrissy,

Nothing will change once you are married.  He needs to work on his addiction before he can work on a relationship with you.  Until he chooses to do this, nothing will ever improve.  I don’t recommend getting engaged to him.  He needs help but he may never choose to get it.  You need to talk with him and let him know that you can no longer be in a relationship with him if he does not seek treatment for his addiction.  There are some things that are out of your control and this is one of them. 

Dr. Nina

November 2006

Dr. Nina,

I am feeling insecure because I have yet to have a girlfriend. I am 23 and I have not had a serious girlfriend ever. Yes, I may have been on 2 or 3 dates with a girl but that’s it. I can’t seem to keep a girl and it seems like they lose intereste quickly. What can I do to improve my odds and find a girl that will accept me for me?

Joseph

Jospeh,

Your attitude may be reflecting in your behavior as you go out with these girls. How do you think women perceive you? Be honest about this question. What’s on your mind when you take a girl out? The fact that you feel insecure will effect how you talk to a girl. You need to get rid of all your insecurities and doubts and start focusing on what you do have to offer a girl. It’s okay that you haven’t had a serious girlfriend. Don’t try to force things to happen when you meet a girl, hoping that she is the long-term girlfriend you have been yearning for. Take things slow and enjoy the date.

On a positive note, you are dating, you are “attracting” girls. You just need to take a step back and enjoy the process and don’t worry about the results. The right one will come along at the right time. Remember, you can learn something from everybody you meet along the way!

Dr. Nina

August 2006

Dr. Nina,

My friend and I have this other friend that we used to hang out with all of the time until she met this guy. This guy was controlling and jealous and he pulled her away from everybody. When things didn't work out, she was back into our life and really sad and upset. We had warned her about him but she didn't listen. Then, a few months later, she got back with him and now they broke up again and she's calling us. We are just tired of her drama and want to be her friend but don't want to be pulled back into it again. What should we tell her?

Cecilia

Cecilia,

Dr. Nina It sounds like you have been good friends to her through it all. You both warned her about him but she continued dating him anyway. Often, this happens. In life, many people have to experience things on their own even though everyone around them is telling them to run from it. Unfortunately, she got pulled back into his world again and the same thing happened. I would tell her that you both care about her and that she is always welcome to hang out with you both but that you are not going to be consumed talking about her ex-boyfriend. Tell her you have been down this road once and you won't do it again because it's been mentally draining on both of you. It's important that you are honest with her and how you feel about the situation. In friendships and relationships, we need to take care of ourselves too and make sure that we are not taking on more then we should in a relationship with anyone.

Dr. Nina

July 2006

Throughout my life I have never had much success with women. I am turning 20 and in college, yet I have been in only two relationships in my life, and neither for very long, and both I was cheated on. I am not a shy guy, but yet with women I am a mess when I get interested in them romantically. I have certain standards that I look for in a woman, none too high. Yet, when I see women that encompass those qualities, they always seem to go after the wrong types of guys that will hurt them. Should I lower my standards? Should I change who I am?

Charles

Charles,

I don't know if you should "lower" your standards but possibly review them. Make a list of your qualities that you possess on a sheet of paper and make a list of the qualities you look for in a girl. Are they similar? What is the most important quality for you? This is the quality I would look for in the next girl you date.

Some people are unfaithful in a relationship because they are not getting their needs met emotionally, so they seek other people for validation and acceptance. I am not saying this is right but this is what happens.

When it comes to relationships, are you "emotionally" available in relationships? Do you take time to connect and talk about your issues or her issues? This is just something to think about in your next relationship.

I would start looking for someone different then you normally would date. Take your time to get to know them before you get too serious. Look for red flags. Believe me I have dated guys that I knew were wrong for me because I noticed the red flags early and broke up with them. Know when its time to let go and don't be afraid to do it sooner then later.

Take care,

Dr. Nina

May 2006

I have a boyfriend of three years now and things seemed great until I started going to a new collage and he started to work. Being in a new collage means making new friends and that was a problem for him as I only hang out with guys. After two weeks I became really good friends with a guy and spend all my time with him when I am on campus, I do not have feelings for this guy as he is three years younger then me. My boyfriend wants me to stop speaking to him as much but I feel at the age of nineteen I should be friends with who ever I want to be friends with and if he loves me he needs to start to trust me and let me be myself. This situation is making us drift apart. I don't want to lose him because he means the world to me so please help me.

Lauren

Lauren,

I can understand why it's important to you that he trust you, regardless of who you are hanging out with. However, it doesn't help that you spend most of your time with a guy when he is already feeling insecure that he can't be with you. Do your best to see it from his point of view. What if you were the one working and he went away to college and started hanging out with a girl all of the time? You are in a difficult position because I know you love him but you also want to be able to go out, have fun, and experience college life. This is a great time. It's also a time of change and adjustment. If you want to make this work, then you will need to compromise. It would be great if you could meet some girls to hang out with...I know this would make your boyfriend feel better. I would not spend all of your time with your new guy friend. You need to find ways to help your boyfriend feel more secure and this is one of them. Remember, relationships are all about compromise and this is something that will help.

Ultimately, you have to really decide what you are willing to do and not do to make this relationship work.

Take care,

Dr. Nina

March 2006

I really like this girl in my college class. We get along really well and talk alot with each other, and make each other laugh. Over the last month or so I have started to like her alot, but in THAT way. At a party last weekend she kissed this a friend of mine and they are now going out. Obviously when I heard about the party I was a bit devastated, and I thought my feelings would go away, but I still want to be with her and for her to be my girlfriend. What do I do? Shall I try and let my feelings go away, or should I tell her what I feel, even though she is going out with my friend? PLEASE HELP!!

Alex

Alex,

I don't know if I would tell her how I feel since she is dating your friend. I don't think you would appreciate this if your friend did this to you. He may really like her. I would talk to him and let him know that you would be interested in dating her if he ever lost interest BUT that you would respect there relationship right now. They may date for a long time or a short time but either way it's not healthy for you to be waiting in the sidelines and missing other opportunities! I would do what you were doing before you liked her and keep your options open!

Take care,

Dr. Nina

January 2006

Dr. Nina,

I broke up with my boyfriend when he moved away about two years ago, and rarely heard from him again. Currently have a boyfriend that I absolutely love. The only problem is that I recently started to talk with my ex-boyfriend online. After our conversation I realized that we still had something for each other. My new boyfriend is so special to me, and my ex was like this too for me, but I know I can't have both, so which do I choose?

Donna

Donna,

Honestly, I would not continue talking to your ex because you may ruin a good relationship you have right now. If you are with a wonderful guy, then focus your energy on him. Besides, your ex lives far away. I am sure talking to him again was exciting but this is because it has been so long. Of course, you both will be pleasant and excited to hear from each other. Just don't get these feelings confused with something else. I think if you continue to talk to him "online" then you may find yourself more confused. What would you want your boyfriend to do if he was in your situation? Just something to think about...

Take care,

Dr. Nina

November, 2005

Dr. Nina,

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and everybody thinks he is a major jerk. He never wants me to go out with my friends or talk to anyone and he always thinks I am cheating on him. I would never cheat on him. I love him and I don’t want to lose him but everyone hates him. When I am with him, I am so happy. Should I stay and put up with him telling what to do and wear or should I leave him?

Carrie

Carrie,

NO! You have the right to tell him what you want to do and what you want to wear. A guy can only control you only IF you allow it. Stop allowing it. Next time he tells you to do something then tell him "no". He will get upset I am sure and possibly threaten to break up with you. So, then let him. Tell him "good bye!"

I think you should break up with him anyway and seek counseling. Counseling will help you understand why you stayed in this relationship and also help you to move on.

You need to set "boundaries" with him. Any time you feel uncomfortable or controlled this is a sign that someone is stepping on your boundaries.

I encourage you to read the book called "Boundaries" by Townsend & Cloud the next time you are at a bookstore.

Also, when you do break up with him, make sure you are in a public area. I don't know if he has ever been physically abusive but he may get very angry and it’s difficult to say how he will react. It's always best to be cautious and careful, especially when you are dealing with an unhealthy individual who is controlling.

Take care,

Dr. Nina

September, 2005

Dr. Nina,

Okay, so is it weird to ask a guy out? I know things are changing where girls do this but I don't know if I am that type. There's this guy and I think he likes me because he always smiles at me in class. We are both freshmen in college. Anyway, I was thinking about inviting him to some party or something but then I get scared thinking about doing this. What should I do?

Emily

Emily,

You are right. There are more girls that ask out guys then in the past. The fact that he smiles at you a lot, tells me that he likes you. ? What to do? Well, I first would get to know him a little so that it's not so awkward when you do approach him. You have the prefect opportunity in class. Find a reason to approach him. You could ask him any question about homework, what the teacher said, etc. I think this will break the ice between you two. Then, when the time seems right, invite him to join you and your friends one weekend. You could tell him to bring some of his friends too. This way it's casual and innocent and it's highly likely that he will say "yes!"

Good luck and stay positive!

Dr. Nina

August 3, 2005

Dear Dr. Nina,
I met this guy Chris at a football game. We ended up hanging out and I gave him my screen name and that night he imed me. After the first 5 minutes of him sending me poetry and songs; I just didn't think he was for me. He asked me out so I figured I would give it a shot. He took me to a carnival and for the first half hour it was awful. He knew every song that came on and he sang every single one. Finally we ended up getting stuck at the top of the Ferris wheel and we're both afraid of heights so we were terrified. Then a song came on. We both knew it and he started singing. I actually started singing with him, and then I stopped, and realized how much fun I was having. Ever since then we've been inseparable. I love everything about him. I love how he sings and how we light each other up and I love who I am when I'm with him. However, he's moving to Florida, in 2 months. I know it's a part of life to have to let things go but I don't want him to leave. I know I have 2 options, try to make the best of what we have or let him go now. We're both acting a bit distant. I hate having no control and I hate the way life takes these turns and I can't do anything about it. Please help...

Jackie

Jackie,
I know this is hard because I had to deal with this once in my teen years and then again when I was 21. It is so difficult when you are in a situation that you don't have any control over. You seem to know your 2 choices already, though neither one sounds great. The only thing I can tell you is that for whatever reason you both were supposed to meet. Think about the time you have spent with him and how he made you feel. This may be why he entered your life. It sounds like he was very care free and encouraged you to be this way too. This may be the reason he was in your life. This is for you to figure out on your own. There are no accidents in life. People come into your life for a reason. I cherish and remember each boyfriend that I had in the past. I am sure this will be a relationship you won't forget and you may continue a friendship after he leaves. Personally, I would choose spend

ing time with him until he leaves. It's going to be hard either way. I had a boyfriend that became distant with me because I was moving. This was so hurtful to me and it just didn't seem right. So, enjoy "right now" the present. This is what you do have control over.
Dr. Nina

July 30, 2005

Dear Dr. Nina,
I am a 19 year old guy who has yet to have a serious girlfriend. I date girls for awhile, maybe a month, and then find myself pulling away. It's like I want them near me and then I feel suffocated. Is it me or the girl? Why do I feel this way? I really do want to be in a committed relationship but I also want my freedom. What's my problem?
Joe

Joe,
It sounds like you may be afraid to be vulnerable to someone. Why? It's a way to protect yourself from getting hurt? Have you ever found yourself attached to something or someone in your life and then they were taken away from you? You may or may not have experienced this. The bottom line is that you seem fearful of getting close to someone. The only way to overcome your fear is to face it. I often tell people to look at the worst case scenario. For you, it would be some girl breaking up with you and leaving you heart broken. Will it be hurtful? Yes. However, it sounds like you have friends to support you through it. You also know how it is to be on your own and alone so you would adjust once again. Believe me, everyone experiences heartache in their life at some point. It's just part of growing and becoming the "right" guy for the "right" girl. I would encourage you to really work on the next relationship you are in and start becoming a little more vulnerable then in the past. I have a feeling you will be surprised and excited with the outcome.
Dr. Nina

July 3, 2005

Dear Dr. Nina,
Whenever I am stressed or feel sad I scratch my arms. It is very compulsive scratching and I take off the first layer of skin. The scratch I have on my forearm right now looks like a rash and it burns. Only some of my closest friends know and two of my managers know at work. One of the managers threatened to call my family and I begged him not to. My aunt noticed my scratches once and told me to stop. I only scratch once and awhile. But I used to cut myself and I stopped that and went to scratching. I don't want to go to someone and ask for help, I'd rather someone ask me if I want it. What do you think I should do?
Gina

Gina,
Honestly, I would see a counselor for this. You mentioned, you would rather someone ask you if you want counseling. Do you? If not, why?

You mentioned, when you feel sad or stressed, you scratch. Why do you think you do this? To numb the pain you are feeling? Why? I just think whatever is making you stressed and sad, needs to be talked about. Find out what that is.

You could continue doing what you are doing and get the same results. I encourage you to take a leap of faith and visit a couple of counselors and choose one you like that you will feel comfortable with. Resolving issues now, will only make for a solid and brighter future for you. Are you comfortable enough telling your parents you want to see a therapist? My hope is that they will be supportive and understanding.
Dr. Nina

June 20, 2005

Dear Dr. Nina,
I have a dilemma. I find myself very attracted to my girlfriend's boyfriend. I also think he is attracted to me because he flirts with me a lot and calls me. He says comments that make me think he would break up with her and go out with me. He also talks about meeting up sometime but keeping it between us. I am stuck because I want to go out with him but then I may lose my friend. What should I do? ?
Kimme

Kimme,
What is more important this guy or your girlfriend? There are so many reasons not to get involved with him. First, how would you feel if the situation was reversed? What if you were dating this guy and your girlfriend was talking to him behind your back? I am sure you wouldn't be to happy. What would you hope your girlfriend would say or do? This is your answer on what you should do. Also, what does it say about him, that he is talking to you when he has a girlfriend? How do you know he wouldn't do the same thing to you? There are so many other guys out there that will be respectful of you and the relationship they have with you. I would refocus your energy on other guys and stop talking to him. He is not the one for you!
Dr. Nina

June 1, 2005

Dear Dr. Nina,
I really like this girl friend of mine a lot. We do many things together and I find myself liking her more and more. I want to say something but I am afraid to ruin our friendship. I don't know if I can continue being just her friend. What should I do?
Jon

Jon,
This can happen to friendships between a guy and a girl. It sounds like you may not be able to continue this friendship if you don't say anything. How would you feel if she started dating a guy? You would probably be jealous and upset. Right? This is when it's time to either say something to her or stop seeing her so much. She may feel the same way you do but she is also too afraid to say anything. So, I would take the risk and let her know how you feel. Either you will start going out or you will start separating from each other. It's not like you planned this to happen. I would tell her that you have something important to talk with her about and meet somewhere quiet. I hope things work out for you both! There are many friendships that turn into beautiful relationships!
Good luck!
Dr. Nina

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